A Born Coward [Karezi]

The rain splashed against the wet pavement, bouncing once on the surface and then rolling like a small stream into the sides of the road and the sewers. A small puddle had gathered on the sidewalk, which was covered in endless ripples. A black rainboot stepped into it, creating a large splash. Then it continued to ripple softly as the pedestrian passed.

A 21-year old young man was taking a leisurely stroll through town on this fine rainy day, holding a crimson, floppy umbrella over his head. The color only made his white hair stand out even more than usual. The umbrella didn’t do much for coverage, since his hair was already speckled with millions of raindrops. His dull red eyes following the path before him to make sure he didn’t step into anymore puddled. He walked on, his heart as heavy as the weather.

Karkat Vantas was more than positive his life was a mess. Although the matter was thought to have been settled a long time ago, it didn’t feel like so. She was constantly on his mind-- it was like a curse. No matter how many times he tried to distract himself, he always managed to slip up and remember everything in a torrent of memories. It wasn’t fun, to say the least.

He wanted to believe that Terezi Pyrope was his. He just so strongly thought that for all those years they had been together. He suppose, in the end, she had never loved him as he thought. Because in the end, she only thought of him as a brother. Just thinking about it made him more frustrated than ever. It also angered him to hear her talk like he was just another friend of hers. He acted like his blood wasn’t boiling at the sound, of course.

Surprisingly soon after, she was already with another person. Why so soon, everyone wondered? Some people had a theory they were the ones in love all along, not her and Karkat. As usual, he blocked it out. He knew exactly who she was dating. How could he not? He was once his best friend back in elementary school. Their friendship was like the frayed end of a rope-- no matter how many times you tried to fix it up, it would always unravel.

Then, in the corner of his eye, he saw the man of honor with his old love. On the other side of the road, Terezi and Dave were both walking under a sturdy red umbrella, sharing it. They were laughing and smiling so blissfully it nearly seemed idiotic. He felt as if he wanted to say something, but it was stuck deep in his throat.

It didn’t matter what he wanted to say, but just to see her within reach but not quite reachable was slowly starting to eat at him. Sure, he could object to their relationship at any moment, but in all honesty, not a word was said. He was afraid to damage his already rocky friendship with the both of them.

Coincidentally, she met his gaze. Karkat froze in his footsteps, his heart thumping faster and faster. His hands were surprisingly a lot sweatier than he thought and it was getting more difficult to hold his umbrella. Dave was curious to what she was looking at, but once he looked at him, they only walked away faster. Terezi didn’t protest and they walked away, far out of his sight.

The umbrella fell out of his hands.
________________________________________________________________________________________

The day he received the invitation to their wedding may have even hurt more than when she broke up with him.

He didn’t think it was much at first. Actually, he almost thought it was trash mail, if it wasn’t for the writing on the back. Terezi? Only then did he open it with mild curiosity, possibly even excitement--but the minute he saw the front of the card, he immediately felt his heart drop into his stomach.

W3'R3 G3TT1NG M4RR13D! >:]

Terezi Pyrope and Dave Strider are unironically getting married at the Skaia church, booze and all. Hope you all can make it.

T1M3: 3/14, 4:00 PM TO 8:00 PM.
PL4C3: PROSP1T STR33T, LOH4C. BUILDING 413.
R3QU1R3M3NTS: LOOK L1K3 YOU'R3 GONN4 M33T MR. PR3S1D3NT. JUST W34R A FORM4L SU1T/DR3SS.

He tried his best to not rip and crush the paper in his shaking hands. He knew it wasn’t mandatory to go, but how on Earth could he refuse to this? At the end of the day, he decided to go home the minute the wedding had ended. Of course there was the after-party, but there was no way he was going to that. He was actually thought he had a chance, even if it was a slim one-- now all he was able to do was laugh at his pathetic self.

He didn’t know how to feel about it. He was furious, he guessed. There wasn’t really any other way to describe this burning feeling in his chest. After all, even though she had only been with Dave for a mere year, they were already jumping into marriage! What were those four years they had spent with each other? Did that really mean so little to her? Of course it was a little bit unstable the first couple of months, but it really did mature. He honestly did grow to love and appreciate her.

When he looked at the card for the fifth time, he  realized there was a little paper still in the envelope. He took out with stiff hands, afraid to see what was exactly on the note, especially since it was clearly written in Terezi’s handwriting. Again.

H3Y, K4RKL3S! >:] YOU'R3 OFF1C14LLY ON3 OF THE GROOMSM3N. 1 CONV1NC3D D4V3 TO L3T YOU B3 ON3—1SN'T IT F1TT1NG? YOU'R3 W3LCOM3 TO ATT3ND TH3 D4V3'S B4CH3LOR P4RTY. 1T'S TH1S W3DN3SD4Y 4T TH3 SP4D3S B4R 4T 5:00. NOT M4ND4TORY, JUST S4Y1NG. D4V3’S 4LR34DY P41D OF 4LL OF TH3 SU1TS. TH4NKS!

It would’ve been so much easier for the both of them if she had asked him if he had wanted to come. She probably thought he would see it as a favor. If anything, he saw it as a problem. The last thing he wanted was to be supportive of Dave. His groomsman? How ridiculous. Although it wasn’t much comfort, Sollux and John were also going to be groomsmen as well. That’s what he heard, anyway.

Either way, there was no way he was going to go to that bachelor’s party at the bar. He vaguely remembered John sending him an address that day as well, so he supposed it was the place of the event. He really didn’t want to see any of them, especially Dave. He couldn’t go, he wouldn’t...

...He kept repeating that in his head as he stood in the entrance of the bar.

This is stupid, he thought as he pushed open the door. The bell above it rang, sending the groomsmens’ gazes towards him. Dave, John, Dirk, Jake, and Sollux were all sitting at a circular table near the walls in the room. Even from a slight distance, he could see they were already drinking vodka. Considering he was 45 minutes late, he guessed he shouldn’t be surprised. He did admit it was a bit of a relief to see his best friend, Sollux sitting at the table looking actually sane. He’d been needing to talk to him about everything...

“Ay, Ka--Kar, kat, good to see ya!” Dave slurred, holding up a bottle of icy beer, which nearly fell out of his hand. The other drunk bachelors cheered “Hello!” as he awkwardly squirmed into his seat next to Sollux. He was the only person who he felt like he could trust at the moment.

Karkat waved once and then everyone continued laughing like hyenas. Sollux simply chucked under his breath and smiling slightly at the rowdiness traveling around the table. Luckily, he wasn’t too intoxicated, since he always strictly had a maximum of two bottles of beer.

“Hey, where’ve you been? I’ve been trying to contact you for fucking forever,” he whispered under his breath. “Where the hell have you been?” he continued as he cracked open a bottle of hard cider.

“I’ve been hella busy at school,” he responded just as quietly. “It’s not my fault I can’t spare time for you when I don’t even get two minutes for myself.” Karkat said nothing and was silent. Knowing him, he knew Sollux was twisting the truth. Why would he need to hide something from him?

The thought meandered away as the excitement only escalated. How many damn bottles has that been? Fuck, I lost count. I had too many beers, he cursed, rubbing his head. Everything was throbbing terribly.

“Y’got QUITE a g--gal, bro.”

Was it just him, or was it awfully hot in here?

“D--Dave, did ya get the TZ in bed yet? Safety, remember.”

Either way, he sure felt like his head was getting hotter…

“I didn’ ex--e-expect yoo to get married in a YEAR. She musta loved you befor’ you guys get togetherrr. What was she doin’ before you met you? Wasn’t she dating someone else--?”

“Dude, stop. Don’t you remember the company we’re in, drunkass?”

He hadn’t realized it until now, but his grip was awfully strong on his half-empty bottle of beer. His fingers were beginning to drain of its color.

“KK,” Sollux sighed, putting a hesitant hand on Karkat’s shoulder. His hand was careful, in the sense that one would be afraid they would be hurt. Karkat tried to lose the tension in his shoulders, but his heated head sure wasn’t cooling down. “Hey, are you--”

“Everyone, just--shut the fuck up!” Karkat screamed, his iron grip crushing the beer bottle. The shattered glass shards fell to the floor with a cold ringing sound. “Stop--Don’t talk about Terezi like you own her like a fucking object,” he hissed. “Don’t you assholes have any sense of--?”

“Karkat, don’t you think this act of yours is getting a little old?”

“I--What?” he was so caught off guard of Dave’s strangely chilling tone that he felt like his lungs were deprived of air. His eyes darted around the room and the disgust was as clear as day on everyone’s faces. Sollux wasn’t even looking at him. It would have hurt less if he wasn’t his best friend, his trusted one…

“I’m getting married to Terezi in a month. So what’s with the attitude?” Dave’s voice was dangerously challenging. Karkat grinded his teeth furiously-- Karkat knew Dave already was certain of the answer, yet he was still baiting him like this.

“I-It’s because I, I…I lo…” ...I love her. His voice shriveled up and died in his throat. Even when he had told himself so certainly of this many times, he failed himself when he was put on the spot.he was dealing with a crying five-year old who couldn’t get his candy at the store.

“...Look, Karkat, you’re a hella great guy,” Dave began slowly, “but it doesn’t mean I trust you.” he looked at him straight in the eye. Despite the darkness of his shades, the bright red of his eyes were clearly visible. It reminded him of their early friendship-- since they both had albinism, they shared and healed their pain. But Karkat imagined now all those years were worthless to him now.

“What the hell?! What-- what are you saying, Strider?”

“Who says you’re not gonna pull shit at the wedding?” Dave continued, his gaze still locked on him. “Sadly for you, it’s still pretty clear you’re still in love with her. You can imagine how I see you at this point, right?” he sighed at the end, running a hand through his slightly messed up hair.

“I--No, I’m telling you, I’m getting over her--I mean, I-I’m done with her! It’s already been a year!” He yelled, tripping all over his words. Karkat was gripping his knees rigidly, afraid of everyone’s disappointed looks.

“Doesn’t that just pale in comparison to five years of dating?” Sollux interrupted, abruptly standing up. “I thought you would finally come to your senses.”

“My--My senses?!” He responded incredulously.

“The reason I didn’t answer any of your calls or emails was because recently, all you’ve been doing is talking about Terezi. You wouldn’t listen to me about how stressed I was at school, or how depressed I was about my brother’s recent head injury. I don’t think he’s ever going to be the same. He’s done for. His mental state is devastated. Don’t you know how painful that was?” his voice was just as quiet as Dave’s. The fact he was keeping his voice calm was a fact that he was much angrier than he was letting on.

"Sollux, I...I’m so fucking sorry,” he cried, feeling his heart drop into his stomach. How could he have been so ignorant? What had he been doing for the past year and a half?

“It doesn’t matter, his injury was a year ago,” Sollux responded dully. “The fact is...it was pretty god damn hurtful. I can’t see you the same way anymore.”

“No,” Karkat breathed, realizing the magnitude of the situation. “Sollux, no, no, don’t--”

“Don’t bother talking to me until you’ve finally gotten ahold of yourself. Although I’ll be the judge of that in the end. Bye, Vantas.” Without letting him say another word in protest, he simply walked straight out the door, the bell ringing.

“I’ll be going too,” Dave agreed, standing up from his chair. “Thanks for paying the bill, Karkat. I’ll take this as an apology in advance in case you try anything on my fiance.” Before he knew it, everyone had left him behind, leaving him with empty bottles of beer.

I’m so fucking stupid, he thought in misery as he sat there, feeling hollow and wasted on the inside. I can’t...What have I...How could have I…? He covered his face in his hands. His cheeks felt wet on his palms.

“...Oh, no...keep the change, I insist…”

As the world moved on, he was left behind. Surely he was going to drown in either self pity, or distress. Both would be fine at this point--

“Karkat?” The voice was male and familiar.

“Go away,” he mumbled. “Laugh at me and leave.” It was hard enough to speak any words at all, so they sounded raspy and quiet, like a broken sort of whisper.

“Which is exactly why I’m going to take you home.”

Karkat looked up slowly, only to be greeted by John and his outstretched hand. He stared at him silently with a look of confusion, but John only smiled at him. He took his hand and was pulled up.

“Wait, John, I have to pay for everyone’s drinks,” he remembered, taking out his wallet. It was empty. Fuck, what am I going to do? He felt a rush of panic, and the anxiety began crawling back up his throat--

“I paid for the drinks. It was unfair of Dave to force on the payment like that,” John groaned. “Besides, I offered to pay in the first place. Let’s get going, right?” Karkat felt a huge relief, not just because the drinks were paid for.

“Right,” he murmured quietly, leaning on John as they walked out of the bar in the starry night. He felt a soft, strange pang in his heart. It was comforting, but it was something he was sure he hadn’t felt in a while. Then, without realizing it, the dark, nighttime world was blurred into blacks and brights. He felt absolutely shameful.

“…Must’ve been hard, huh?” John asked softly, rubbing his back.

“So fucking hard,” Karkat cried out, shaking. “I’m so damn tired, John. I don’t want to go to the wedding. I don’t wanna deal with this shit anymore…I can’t just let go of her. I want to, but I just can’t! I was such a shit to my friends, and I’ll never be able t-to--get them ba--back…”

“Maybe you think so now. But trust me, you will be able to let go. Egbert’s word!”

“I…I don’t believe you.”

“But when the day comes, I promise you. You will. Just find the opportunity--it doesn’t matter how many times it takes or how many moments you’ll fall. I promise you’ll be let go. I can say this with experience.”

“…E-Experience?” Karkat questioned, sparing John a glance. He looked like he was trying not to let a torrent of memories be set free.

“It’s a long story,” John sighed. “Not worth hearing, either way.” Karkat could tell he didn’t want to talk about it, so he dropped the topic.

“Hey, John,” Karkat began after a minute of silence, “...Thank you. I mean it. No has helped me at all, not even my family. I think they didn’t think it was as a big of a deal, as I was making it, b-but…”

“…You’ve gone through too much alone.”

They stood there in the dark night, the world around them moving quickly as he fell apart, with John to help him up when it all ended.

________________________________________________________________________________________

The day of the wedding had finally arrived.

Luckily for him, the church was a mere ten minutes away from his apartment. The entire way he was blasting whatever songs were on the radio to distract him from the crux of the matter. He found he hated all of the songs, but it still helped. Sort of.

“Karkat, hey! It’s great to see you!” John greeted him happily, patting his back comfortingly. “I’m glad you came.”

“Y--Yeah, sure,” he replied clumsily back. He should’ve known, the minute he was in this room, everything was being blown out of proportion. His heart was pounding, everything looked like it hated him, even the flowers in those pots--

“Oh, why don’t I show you around? They’re serving appetizers, also. It might help your upset stomach,” he offered.

“…How did you know?” Karkat questioned suspiciously, raising an eyebrow.

“I had a hunch, I guess,” John answered quietly.

“…Alright, fuck it,” he gave in, following John around the room.

“Also, how are you feeling?”

“I’m--I’m doing--not great,” he finished lamely, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yo, I promise, you’re gonna get through it. Remember, you don’t have only me this time around.”

“…Okay.”

…

Eventually, the time had finally come. After all the speeches and choir members, they were ready. Quickly, everyone had assembled neatly into three straight rows. Karkat was forced to wedge himself in with the bachelors, ending up sitting at the end next to John. Dave and Dirk were already standing under the archway of red and white roses, a beautiful glass stained window looming over them.

A lovely choir of six people were separated by groups of three, singing as a harmonious acapella. The doors opened grandly, and the flower girl (which he suspected was one of Terezi’s younger cousins) skipped down the aisle, dropping soft red petals on the ground. Not soon after, Terezi and her mother, Neophyte “Redglare” Pyrope, entered the room, their arms looped together comfortably.

Karkat had that breathless feeling, that kind of feeling when someone surprises you with a gift. She was so beautiful he swore he was getting dizzy--or was that just his heartbeat rising? Her stunningly white wedding dress fell and kissed the floor behind her as she walked forward. The bottom of the dress was laced with intricate, thin pale red fabric. Her flowing pale veil stopped at the top of her back. It was subtle enough to not notice, but he saw her hair had the slightest of waves, which rested perfectly on her bare shoulders. Bright red lip color of dabbed on her lips and made her unblemished skin look even more pristine. She was even more amazing without her glasses, and it tugged painfully at his heart to see her so stunning. Terezi had never looked so happy--she looked like she was about to cry in overwhelming joy.

He supposed it shouldn’t have been surprising, but instead of having his usual stoic expression, he was all smiles. Even his shades were tucked into his breast pocket. The bright image was shocking. He seemed just as happy as his soon-to-be wife.

Terezi’s mother unwillingly let her go to walk and stand before Dave. They looked so in love, and just had so much raw bliss he felt like the one getting married. Dave’s suit was a simple white suit with a red tie and rose pinned to his front. Soon enough, Dirk began the ceremony and asked them (with a wavery, sobbing voice) to say their marriage vows.

“I, Dave Strider, take you, Terezi Pyrope, to be my lawfully wedded wife, my unironic lover and best friend, my partner who I dedicate my life to love from this day and beyond. With everything I have, I offer you my body and soul, to be your faithful aid in sickness, your times of good and bad, as well happiness and sorrow. I promise to love you without condition, to support you in your ambitions, to honor and respect you, to laugh and cry with you, and cherish your everything until I die and beyond the grave. This all will be done unironically--Strider’s word.” The corners of his mouth tipped upward fully in a proud smile. Wordlessly, Dirk looked knowingly at Terezi, who had tears rolling down her reddened cheeks.

“I, Terezi Pyrope, take you, Dave Strider, to be my one and only lawfully wedded husband, my eternal friend above all, my superman partner, and my love for everyday and beyond. I give you my undying devotion to help you always in your times of illness, the good and the bad, and the sweet sorrows and overwhelming joys. I will support you in your goals, to forever honor and respect you, to laugh when you are content and cry with you when you fall. I promise to love and cherish your everything for as long as we will live and into the next lives. All I said is lawful and true-- hence, I will stand by it always.” She looked like her heart was swelling happily and she had rose to heaven early.

“N-Now,” Dirk struggled to continue, stumbling over his words. Tears were rolling uncontrollably down his face. Clearly, he was losing his solid Strider cool. “Anyone, speak f--fuckin’ now or forever your damn peace.” The room was silent, obviously having no objection to the message. To Karkat, the room was anything but silent. His heart was thumping rapidly, but he was sure it was because he was happy for his good friend. It was what he wanted-- he wanted to see her happy. They were going to be happy together, and yet, he...

"Just find the opportunity.”

It clicked.

“Then, husband and wife, you both may—"

“STOP! I SPEAK NOW!”

The crowd was hushed silent immediately by Karkat’s loud yell. He was standing up on his seat, his heart still loud in her ears. He kept his eyes sharp on Terezi, who was staring at him in utter shock. He couldn’t look for long--he look a long, deep breath, trying to calm himself amongst the suspicious whispers and muttering traveling around the room.

“Terezi,” he began, finding his voice more scratchy than he expected. “I thought I would be prepared for this, but, in the end...I can’t accept your marriage.” His voice cracked at the end. She stared at him with an emotion he couldn’t place-- was it anger? Was it curiosity? He couldn’t tell. “This is probably what I fucking deserve after being such a clingy shit all the damn time,” he choked up, forcing himself to go on. “It was my terrible, half-assed way of showing--that, that I--damnit!” He growled, having trouble getting the right words out. He sighed, trying to calm down again.

“Karkat,” Terezi said softly, looking at him with a sympathetic look. “I--”

“No! No, let me--let me finish!” he yelled suddenly, his voice echoing throughout the room. “All this time, I’m still the same clingy crap I was back then! No matter how much I try to tell myself you’re with Dave now and that’s how it always going to be, I can’t bring myself to accept it. It hurts more than it should.” He wasn’t completely processing what was going on through his mind at the moment. All he knew is that he was saying something, and it was important. “All I want,” he whispered, “is to be with you. I just want to stand by your side, even if you fucking hate me so much you want to kill me. Because I won’t be able to change what I say today, or how I feel about you!”

Karkat could feel Dave’s gaze burning.

"Say it or forever hold your peace, Vantas. Speak now."

"Terezi, I almost proposed to you, actually. I had bought a shitty diamond ring, even! And for some reason, I had brought the little fuck with me!” He reached into his pocket and held a sparkling diamond ring for all to see. He jumped out of his seat and walked right in front of her, a tightly knit, yet pained expression on his face. "I'll try to live with your decision. If leaving me as a small speck in your life is what makes you happy, then..." He sighed heavily. "...that's fine. But just give me this last moment."

He kneeled down in front of her and held her shaking hands in his. He gave her a look of sincerity that went unseen, and took a deep breath.

"I'll always wait for you to return. I don't care how long you want to take, but I'll wait forever--because, I love you. I love you deeply, without boundaries or shame. I would lay down my heart to see you happy— and that's just what I'll do. Dave is the key to your lock and he completes you. Please, from this moment on, forget the pain I've ever made you feel, because I, Karkat Vantas, take my heart, so you, Terezi Pyrope, will be happy, always."

Tears dribbled down her cheeks as she took her hands away. Karkat slipped the promise ring onto her ring finger, looked at her one last time, and ran out of the room with people screaming hell behind him.

…

Karkat gasped in his seat, his hand placed nervously over his chest. If only he had the courage to speak up for all that he had ever wanted to say. All the thoughts and objections lay bottled up in his heart, digging itself deeper and deeper. The words he had practiced had been left unspoken.

“Alright, no one gives a shit? No objections?” Dirk scanned the room, his eyes landing briefly on Karkat. “Then, Dave and Terezi, I pronounce you husband and wife. Now hurry up and kiss already.”

Terezi’s untouched hands were now being held his Dave’s careful, shaking hands. She looked up at him with deep love clearly written all over her expression. Dave looked back with blissful love and leaned over to gently plant his lips on her reddish ones. They looked like broken angels standing under the beautiful evening light shaded with the glass window colorings. The sight pricked the corners of his eyes with tears, but they didn’t overflow. When they parted, they didn’t stop holding hands.

“Congratulations, lil bro, lil sis,” Dirk sniffled, engulfing the two in a loving hug, making the both of them laugh a little bit. “Welcome to the family, Mrs. Strider.” Dirk patted Terezi on the back, smiling genuinely. “If Dave’s ever a total ass to you and doesn’t treat you like a princess, just say the word and he’ll get an ass whoopin’.”

As people began to stand and rush to the newlyweds or fetch some dinner, Karkat choose this time to walk out the front door. He decided he needed some time alone. Being around all these overwhelmingly happy people was beginning to sicken him greatly.

Being outside and taking a breath of fresh air was like good medicine. As he soaked in the silence and left who he loved behind, he began to lower down his walls. The clouds began to roll in, as did his.

At first, he thought it was the rain, But, as usual, he was the only one crying. While everyone was happy, he was left in sorrow all over again. He felt on the verge of completely breaking. The rational part of him said, “It’s just a silly high school relationship, you’ll overcome.” Then, his heart screamed, “It’s so much more, I swear!”

Yes, he did. He loved her. He loved Terezi Pyrope, and there was nothing he could do that would change how he felt. It may have been just a dream, just a thought left unsaid, but it was true. He had laid down his heart for her happiness. Even if he didn’t get to say a word,  he would still stand by it always.

If he felt tired at the bar, then he must have been dying at this very moment. He felt more shitty than ever-- everything hurt. Not physically, but mentally. Everything was in pain. He didn’t know how he would get rid of this feeling.

“This time, you’re not alone.”

He snapped his head up and looked next to him instinctively. Standing there was Nepeta, one Terezi’s bridesmaids. She was holding a kitty umbrella over his head, blocking him from any further rain. Oh, I didn’t even realize it was pouring. She sat down next to him, despite the muddy dirt on the ground. He would’ve protested in he had any energy left.

“I understand how you’re feeling,” she said aloud, facing the rainy landscape in front of her. Her voice was solemn.

“What the fuck do you know?” he cried, sobs choking his right throat. “Leave me alone!”

“This is a scary time to be alone,” she said. “I understand more than you think.” Karkat was suddenly sent back into the memories of his high school years, back to prom. Nepeta had asked him out then, but he shoved her off in the most rude way possible. He knew how much damage he had caused.

“I’m s-sorry…”

“Don’t apologize, silly. You’re the one that really needs apologies.” She pulled him into a hug, dropping the umbrella. Karkat wasn’t so sure how to react-- it was different from John, although they still had the same welcoming warmth to them. In the end, that’s all he needed.

His cries grew louder and louder, heavily traced with sorrow. The cover on his heart was finally taken off, and at last, it was beginning to empty, along with the clouds pouring out rain.

5 years later…

“Wow, Karkat, is that you?”

The next time they met was at an internet cafe.

“Te--Terezi?!” he yelped in shock. It’s not that he didn’t recognize her- there was no way he could have- it was just that he never expected to be seeing her at such a random moment as this. It’s not like it was hard enough wrapping his head around the whole situation-- while she may have looking practically the same, she had matured immensely, and it was getting to him…

“Who else would it be?” she laughed lightly as she casually slid into the empty seat across his table. She laid down her black coffee in front of her. “It’s too crazy, KK. Has it really, really been 5 years? I can’t believe it. How’s life going?” Is this a dream? He wondered. I can’t believe it, either, Terezi.

“Pinch me real quick,” Karkat spoke quickly. She complied without hesitation, pinching him painfully on the cheek. “Ow! FUCK!” he cursed loudly, earning stares from surrounding customers. “Damnit,” he whispered quietly. “Okay, now I’m sure this shit is real,” he sighed in relief. “Ok, what?” he blinked, cursing under his breath. Ugh! “It really has been a fucking long time, huh? Well, I mean, I’m Calculus teacher now. I actually did end up following my dad’s footsteps…” he didn’t believe it himself when he decided to pursue the degree of teaching. It seemed so unfitting, but apparently as he matured, being a teacher was more and more acceptable. It was more bearable with familiar faces, like Sollux and John. They were good friends.

“You? A teacher? Can’t say I expected it,” she giggled again. “but I think that’s great. How do they deal with your cursing, though…?” she questioned, trailing off into silence. All this talk seemed so mundane, even though he himself knew there was a much more important topic on hand.

“They don’t. The students curse right along with me,” he sighed, feeling a little bit of amusement. “Anyway, my teacher life doesn’t really fucking matter. How’s your life?” Even though he hadn’t said much, he felt like he was getting a tad bit too chatty...It was probably just his anxiousness playing tricks on him.

“Well, I recently just became a prosecutor!” Terezi told him with a wide smile. “People still see me as a newbie in court, but I’m telling you, I haven’t lost any out of my court cases so far. Take that, world! Terezi Strider’s in town and find the truth!” Karkat felt a small smile crawl up on his face. Even now, she was always able to make him smile, even if the grin was somewhat forced. The  new surname would take some time to get used to.

“Yeah, I’ve watched your court cases,” Karkat comment. He sipped his coffee, the bitter taste of the raw blackness tingling his tongue. He saw Terezi brighten up knowing he was still watching her. “Good to know your life’s not fucked up, though.”

“Hah, yeah. Ditto,” she agreed, mirroring his actions and taking a drink. “Thanks for watching me in court.” There was a wavering silence.

“…So, not to sound like an asshat or anything, but how’s life with Dave?” he was barely able to choke out the burning question. Just saying those words made his throat tight. On the bright side, at least he could actually utter those words now.

“It was even nicer than I expected!” Terezi started out excitedly. “The house we’re living in together is so nice! Dave is secretly such a sweetheart when you get him alone,” she giggled lowly afterwards, remembering the time. “Anyway, with his job and my job, we’re living fabulously. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.” A soft smile graced her lips. She looked so genuinely happy that he couldn’t help but smile right back at her. “Also...there’s been something else.” If possible, her smile grew wider.

“What is it?” he wondered, raising an eyebrow. Terezi took a deep breath, seeming like she was going to explode from excitement.

“We’re going to have a child!” she whispered it as if she was telling a secret. “It’s still in its early stages, so I can still walk around,” she reassured him, seeing the look of worry on his face. “No one knows the gender yet. I’m hoping it’s gonna be a girl, but as expected, Dave wants it to be boy.” She frowned slightly.

“Wow,” he said as breathlessly as he felt. “That’s amazing. Congratulations, Terezi!” Aren’t I supposed to feel mad? he realized. That’s...how my older self would’ve have responded, right? So, why do I feel so happy…? “I’m actually pretty damn happy for you!” he smiled widely, actually very jovial. The feeling was awkward. He hadn’t felt so happy with her in the topic for a long time. “You’re going to be a great parent!”

“Thanks so much, KK,” she looked just as happy as him. “I hope so too! Oh, shit,” she looked at the clock behind him on the wall. “I gotta go! My investigation is starting real soon!” she gathered up her stuff and flung a satchel he hadn’t noticed over her shoulder. “Hey, let me give you my new number,” she remembered. “Do you have paper?”

“Just write it on the napkin,” he said hurriedly. Terezi took out a red pen and scribbled her number quickly on it.

“So, we’ll talk again, yeah?” she questioned, smiling slightly. As she started to advance toward the door, he was surprised at the panic he was beginning to feel.The music from the speakers seemed unnaturally loud.

“As you’re walking away,

I’m stuck here watching you go,

Is there a way to fill up this gap that

Is breaking us apart?

Even now I’m afraid to accept what I think of you…

Yeah, I’m just a natural-born coward.”

“Terezi, wait!” He knocked over his coffee, spilling it all over the table. She looked back, looking just as confused as she did in his dream five years ago. It felt like his old, Terezi-central personality was surfacing all of a sudden. No, he thought. He wouldn’t let it take control of him all over again.

“I’ve always loved you,” his voice was still nervous as it had been. “I wasn’t able to let go of you. Knowing you, you probably were already aware of that. Yes, I was a clingy shit, I know,” he frowned. “But, I--over these five years, I’ve realized how much of an angry fuck I was, and I worked to change that. I also worked to change how I felt about you. I think, somewhere inside, I still love you just as I did then, but it’s only grown. Matured, possibly? It’s a...love, that...I--Terezi, I just want you to be happy. That’s all. And to hear that you are so happy, I’m glad. I’ve let go of the past.”

Terezi stared at him in blind wonder. He could see his apprehensive red reflection on her red glasses. She was halfway out the doorway, so the wind from outside was rushing into the cafe. Everyone was in the quiet cafe was staring in wonder, but for once, he didn’t care at all.

“I…Even now, I think there is still love for you somewhere in me,” she said, interrupting the silence. “This love…it isn’t that romantic. Believe me, it’s not because I feel pressured to do so. Over the years, I matured too. You’re like family to me--for lack of better descriptions. I felt responsible for your depression, honestly. But to know that you are able to be happy, I can be released from this guilt. I also hope, that you, will be even happier than I will ever be. Thank you, so, so much--for all you have done for me.” she smiled with a touch of reminiscence, waved, and walked out.

Karkat stood in the wind that rushed in when the door closed, and sat down. His heart was still pounding, but his shoulders and heart felt so refreshingly light. He looked at the cup that was empty and spilled, but didn’t really feel like cleaning it up. He knew it was stupid, but he didn’t want the coffee to stay contained in that cup. Didn’t it just have a liberty to be set free, just as he did?

He snorted and grabbed several napkins to clean the spill. If I keep thinking like that, I’ll be spilling everyone’s cups and glasses, he thought to himself. John was right, he realized as he took a seat again. I really was able to let go. It was painless.

He considered ringing up John and telling him of the news, but he decided it could wait. He wanted this moment to be for himself.

To be honest, he expected an onslaught of nostalgia and bad memories in the end. But, yet, his mind was only thinking about the good times. Even though the memories and feelings of heartbreak were still there, the pain was numb and almost non-existent. The high tide was finally over, and he was happy.

“Hey, what’s the name of this song that’s playing?” A lady sitting at a table asked her friend across from her.  

“I think it’s called ‘A Born Coward’,” she replied while searching through her bag in a frenzy.

He barely smiled. That was what he was, wasn’t he? Five years ago, he was still a coward, desperate for her love. But that was over and done with. He closed his eyes,  and listened to the end of the song.

Letting his mind rest, he let go.

~Fin.